IDK

 I really don't know how to put this up. Counting the context, I have literally dragged myself out of my work to write this. To be very honest, I don't feel like. Well, I actually, technically,literally don't know what this is called. All I know is how this feels. 

I am at a point where I don't feel like befriending new people. I know that sounds very unromantic and unsocial. But I am not in the mood to help that. I can't start over relationships and friendships with 'what colour I like' and 'which jokes I laugh at ' and stuff. I am not a bit interested in meeting new people. I mean if that's for the work I do , I'm definitely in; coz that's what I am living for ...' my work'. 

For me, meeting new people , and getting close to them means eventually breaking my heart. And I am not ready for yet another heartbreak,for yet another new start and eventually another one sided end.

When I was younger I hoped and wished a lot that people show interest in me and come and talk to me . And now when that happens for real, I'm all exhausted . I've poured so much outta me in all the relationship equations I've been a part of that now I'm just a numb soul. Feelings are dumb for me . I'm not exaggerating a word. 

I'm okay with the few people I have with me ,  wherein I don't have to put so much fake efforts to live in the bond.Even if they don't have a meaning , even if the particular relationship doesn't have a name to be called by I'm okay with it as long as it's not harming me and I don't have too be extra to show that I'm in . 

To the younger self of mine , 

Dear,

I don''t know if failing in relationships looks like this . But I wanna confirm your self doubt by saying that  'yes, you are and will be unlucky with people in your life' but trust me, eventually it would be the work you've been doing that matters and take care of your parents ...coz they sustain and nothing else..

Too much of expression for the day ...

Good night..