03.01.2025

 Passive suicide can proactively turn into actual, effective suicidal ideation, which paves the way for life-taking decisions. 

3rd Jan 2025 it was, the start of another year, in anticipation of it being a really good one. Anyways, God had other unprecedented, priorly unobtrusive plans for me. I had an exam and wasn't prepared for the drama to hit. I opted for certain methods of cheating I wasn't really a pro at. And I amn't even comfortable with the idea of cheating in exams. Eventually, I got caught, which was quite unsaid but expected. I had been insisted to leave the exam hall after my phone had been seized already. I left the institution unaware of my mental state, which was in complete ruin in the thought of the completely made-up impending disaster. I aimlessly roamed the streets for hours afterward and consumed certain life-threatening drugs, and the dosage was pretty intimidating. The only thought that overruled all other thoughts inside me was the probable disaster for getting caught cheating, which was not even a part of my childhood trauma days'  nightmares. I was in a state of complete ruin inside my head . Tears rolling down my cheeks all the way inside my mouth . 

I've never had any pressure of academic validation from my parents, never had there  been any of that from the society that affected me. It's always been a very internal process of me being my own critique after every failure and every success. The introspection was always very disdainful and never very satisfying. 

Anyways, coming back to the point , the day , it's all been very chaotic yet calm inside me , when I knew yet not what needs to be done and what doesn't. All I planned was how to leave for the heavenly abode as all I thought at that point was nothing in this mundane universe at this point can fix my problems . After calling one of my 'friends' and then repenting it later and after roaming the streets aimlessly without a single penny in hand(because I intentionally had consumed and donated the little that I had carried with me to college that day)  I finally, after lots of tears decided to call my mother from some random phone . I was admitted to the hospital with a life risk and the doctor panicking the hell out of my parents and relatives. 

God didn't want me to reach him so early . Maybe I can do a little more for this world before I get to him . I am still alive and my plans to die failed . 

I have always been very passively suicidal, but I never thought I could ever muster up the courage to actually plan something so daunting. 

Anyway, I've got to go now. Since I am alive, I have to submit to God's plans.

Needed to document this . Had been holding this back for the longest time on request of stakeholders, but who cares when they don't anymore?